essay: bullying

Essay: Bullying

Oscar and his diary had a relationship based on love as well as hate. That had been so since their first encounter, which they had on Oscars ninth birthday, when he fiercely unwrapped his aunt Carol's present.
At that moment it was only the fact that it was a present that could make up for what it was in essence: 'A diary'.
Still he had kept it and wrote in it once every while. Sometimes he was glad he had it. That was mainly on the moments he felt really good about himself, during the nights filled with hope and expectations.
But most of the thinly lined pages in the little book with the lock -which he had to break after two weeks allready because he had lost the little key- he had filled with his deepest thoughts and emotions, the ones you only really acknowledge when they come with tears and pains that seem insurmountable.

The following passage is one of those.

Dear diary...
Today they have succeeded. I have lost every last bit of hope.
I am now absolutely positive that I am of no use in this society. If only I were made of glass and all could see inside me, they would see how I feel, they might even understand me... although I don't even dare to hope they would.
Ironicly I am in a way made of glass. But my peers didn't see the same use in my attempts to show the real me. No. They were more interested in another characteristic of the material.
They had been enjoying themselves before trying to crack the my glass cover but today they have broken it and all that it held is seeping out. I relieve the unbearable pain using the shattered pieces of my cover.
I am almost empty now.
so I must say goodbye.
Or maybe farewell would be more honest.

O.

This page was read on Oscar Caulfield's funeral five days after it was written.

10/12/2009 

 

Perpetuity 

by Simon Suijkerbuijk

  

Where am ?

A strange sensation is coming over me. it feels as if all my bodily fluids are flowing up and down in my body in a slow pace resembling the tidal movements of a turbulent dark sea.

 

Should I enjoy this?

I need a reality check.

 

I am sure that I'm not sleeping, no question about that. But then again, am I awake? Everything seems so sharp, every emotion hits me like hammer, yet my senses are incapacitated.

 

My eyes, do I dare open my eyes? If I open them, what will I see?

Oh God, I want to see where I am!

Courage seems to return as I try to open my left eye.

What is this? I can't open my eyes, and what is most frightening is that it doesn't feel like I can't open them but as if don't even have eyes.

I need to feel if my eyes are OK, maybe I have had an accident, maybe I am blind and is that the reason why everything feels so incredibly strange.

 

I want to scream because as I try to touch my eyes but don't feel arms nor legs but my cry for help doesn't leave my entity. It stays inside me and resonates on the walls of my being. The sound cripples me, it hurts my non existing ears.

 

What I would give for a reaction now.

Loneliness and fear overpower me.

What has happened? What did I do to deserve this?

 

This is no dream, I am no longer reticent about it, it is the harsh reality and not, as I wished some Kafkaesque dream.

Locked up in a world between dead and alive, is this how I will spend the rest of my meaningless life?

 

The tidal movement in my veins seems to be slowing down, slowly but surely. At that moment I feel joy coming over me for the fact that I can at least feel my veins, I still have a body.

Having that figured out the feeling fades away. I have lost all sense of feeling. I yell again, I need to feel something even if that is the pain of hearing my own scream.

But even that I am not granted. The shrill sound dies down and I am in complete silence.

 

Part after part I seem to be fading.

All aspects of my body that I recognize leave me.

Dying isn't the easy way out after all.

 

Is this the punishment I get for trying to escape the inevitable sorrows of life. Is there a higher power that wants to make me feel what I did to others? The pain of losing something dear without having any control over it.

 

The pain is unbearable.

And as I recognize my pain it flows away.

Is it over now?

Was this agony what I had coming to me?

 

And then a flash, it's over...

 

Where am I?

A strange sensation is coming over me. it feels as if all my bodily fluids are flowing up and down in my body in a slow pace resembling the tidal movements of a turbulent dark sea.

 

Should I enjoy this?

I need a reality check...

 

 

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© 2009 -Simon Suijkerbuijk